As software engineering leaders – whether you’re guiding a team as a manager or steering technical direction as a high-level individual contributor – your plate is probably overflowing. Between deadlines, shifting priorities, and the ever-present need to keep the wheels turning, it can feel like you’re constantly juggling flaming torches while riding a unicycle. Sound familiar?

I know it did for me. Early in my career, fueled by a desire to be both trustworthy and valuable, I found myself saying “yes” to just about everything. I was juggling a master’s program, actively participating in student leadership at the university, serving as the primary engineer for all customer-facing work at my company (a role tied to upwards of 50% of our revenue!), and running all community activities for a local non-profit. And, of course, there were family commitments on top of all that!

Unsurprisingly, the wheels eventually started to wobble, then threatened to come completely off. I was overwhelmed, constantly missing deadlines, or delivering work that I knew wasn’t my best. The worst part? The guilt and self-reproach that followed each misstep would send me into a spiral, making it even harder to manage future commitments. It felt like a never-ending cycle of over-promising and under-delivering.

Cheryl saves my sanity

Then, a mentor named Cheryl shared a simple phrase that resonated deeply with me: “You don’t have to meet every commitment, but you do have to manage it.”

Those words were a revelation. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t about being a superhero who could flawlessly execute every single task. It was about taking ownership of my commitments, even when things went sideways.

I started experimenting with this new mindset. When I realized I couldn’t meet a deadline, I began proactively communicating with stakeholders, explaining the situation honestly, and proposing a realistic alternative. What I discovered was surprising: most people were incredibly understanding and willing to be flexible.

Even more unexpectedly, this vulnerability – this open acknowledgment that I couldn’t do it all – actually fostered increased trust and stronger relationships. By managing expectations and delivering on the renegotiated commitments, I showed a different kind of reliability, one rooted in honesty and ownership.

Putting it into practice

What does “managing” a commitment actually look like in practice? It boils down to proactive communication and transparent ownership. The moment you foresee a potential issue – a looming deadline you can’t realistically meet, a dependency that’s delayed, or a shift in priorities that throws a wrench in the works – you need to raise your hand.

This isn’t about making excuses; it’s about providing a clear and honest assessment of the situation. Outline what the original commitment was and clearly explain the new challenge you’re facing. Crucially, come prepared with a proposed solution. This might be a revised timeline, a necessary adjustment to the scope, or even an explanation of how this commitment impacts other ongoing projects.

Transparency is your superpower here. By clearly laying out the situation and offering a preferred option, you empower your stakeholders to understand the constraints and participate in finding a workable solution. Be prepared to negotiate. Your initial proposal might not be exactly what they hoped for, but your goal is to find a path forward that best meets their needs while remaining realistic for you and your team.

Once you’ve renegotiated a commitment, you must deliver on that new agreement. This is where trust is built. Showing that you take ownership not just of the initial commitment, but also of managing its evolution, demonstrates reliability and respect for your stakeholders’ time and expectations. Setting realistic new goals, even if they aren’t the ideal scenario, is far more valuable in the long run than consistently missing overly optimistic targets.

Manage the commitment. Don’t let it manage you.

Ultimately, whether you’re an IC or a manager, the core of what I learned from Cheryl remains the same: managing commitments effectively is a cornerstone of strong leadership. It’s not about flawlessly meeting every single expectation, which is often unrealistic in our dynamic and demanding field. Instead, it’s about embracing transparency, communicating proactively when challenges arise, and taking ownership of the entire process – from the initial agreement to any necessary adjustments. By doing so, you not only set realistic expectations and deliver sustainable results, but you also cultivate trust and build stronger relationships with your stakeholders and teams. By managing the commitment and not letting it manage you, you’ll navigate the complexities of software leadership with greater clarity, reduce your risk of burnout, and ultimately, have a more significant and positive impact.

Photo by Jack Harbieh on Unsplash